WHere to Start

I woke up early to join the Rodinha group. I was soar and aching from day before from going to a long kung fu class and trying out a weapon/spear class in the park. So I was soar. But also still attempting hanging on and questioning my participating in capoeira.

As much as I had a lot of fun with training with today, and with this particular group of people. They always been nice and welcoming to me. We did some music, and I get some tips and help. Then I get to play and encouraged to play. This being a different experience from recent months & years of a group I was just part of. But then as we depart at end of session, the closing words are sometimes something do with something that reminds me of them that make me angry and I have to carry it home. -such as: Where is ------person name---, or what is going on with the group from ----group-----. And this group knows I am no longer with them and probably not welcome or anything just knows more than I do. Or they ask about the capo music. Where I was suppose to go, but couldn't because it was just hot and I got too exhausted, and couldn't deal with the 90s heat anymore. So I am just going to have to plan better.

But Be honest, It still runs in my mind the lingering question. Do I want to even continue Capoeira. The trauma of the last few years coming from CM Asshole. We also had a conversation about my Appelido. Which is nickname in capoeira. Everyone has one or gets one in time. Some right away, and some take a while. I never had one. I did when I first came to pdx, and I remember this so well but was angry how the conversation happened. the teacher was asking me one question, and a student was asking me a different question and everyone was standing around me. I did not know my neurodivergent or understand self other then I constantly had to mask for their sake. I learned recently that me masking is still required of them. That is how they read me, and if I do it wrong, consequences is at a cost. So when I got questioned, about my original Appelido, Educada, - meaning for well mannered. Student was asking, what is my name, the teacher was not clear what they were asking, if I like it or want it. But student was staring me down. I was stressed and everyone staring at me. I then thought, fuck, ok, answer this person first. I don't want to answer you, because you get on my nerves. I just don't want to answer. I didn't get a chance to think about my name. Teacher also yells out, I heard you don't like your name. That was between me and someone else. None of his business. I did not want information to go to him, and that made me angry for him to be involved. Fuck you for saying that loudly in front of everyone. But I didn't want to drop the name given to me by a very respected Mestre Marisa and also when I got my green cord when with Gingarte training with Professor Tinta Forte in Albuquerque, NM. But the second I nodded my head No to the student that I didn't want to answer him. I huge loud hand clap from the teacher. "Then Its final!, you don't have a name!". That scared me and threw it all off. I did not agree to that, I didn't know he was asking that. I didn't get a chance to answer or think about that. It made me angry.

A week later, emails between us. I have an anonymous email I normally use when anxious with new people. That I dont use my real name. Krayola. Later on, he asked if that was me, I said yes, thats my email name, I never bothered to change it since it has been years and that is how people know me now. Then everyone thought that was my Capoeira Appelido. And everyone seem to be confused. He kept searching for my name, until one day, another student asked, when did I get the name Krayola as a Appelido and who gave me that. Another student, one of CM asshole friend favorite students yells at. That I picked that name for myself and gave it to myself. That made me so angry. And embarrased and also very angry. I didn't pick that name for myself. I didn't ask people to call me that. How freakn dare her for saying that. Ask CM Jerk for calling me that in public. And then I was told, the name has to be given from leaders, and Agreed on. And then I saw CM jerk and others keep asking around for vocab of similar to words like that for my name. I realized, I was not named, they were just saying that. But that was not my appelido. and never was, and people were saying that. Since it is not given to me, and "I named myself", then it is not my name. That person yelled it in a tone of meanness. Vaga Lumy yelled at me in meanness. So since I said that is not my name and I had to keep correcting others, that is not my name, that is my email name. Please do not call me that. So ever since, CM asshole Jerk, still refuses to bother with name. And left me hanging with nothing. I waited. I also waited for cord. He doesn't know what he and his favorite damage has done to me. I am nameless. But one thing I am going to have to request from people now, because of this very group. Is please do not name me. That seems to be a wish from them. That I do not get named, that I do not grow or receive a cord and that I do not grow & improve. I will grow and improve outside the group. But for them, because they are my group. I will not have a name. As long as I am one of their students as a teacher has quit because I made him do so. I will also be part of that my having no name will be part of that. 

Along with memory of cord. Ever since I went to many batizados & trained so much on my own time and outside, and going to many classes, even though he refused to teach me. He ignored me. But when we went to events & workshops, I asked him where I go when we were divided into groups. Even though I trained way over 10 years, now I done the math it has been 15 years. But he treats me like I haven't even earned my first cord. So when I asked, and they said, people that have green/yellow cord or less, or people that train 4 years or less, please on one said, and everyone else with more years on the other. I knew I was much longer, but he thought of me as less. He always told me to be on the lower end. So I did go there. I found out later, all my classmates asked me why I was there. Because CM asshole told me to go there. People from everywhere else, believed I really didn't have a cord. Yes, I did, I just was not allowed to be acknowledged. Then 3 more Batizados events happened, and I was still not gone. But when I saw other groups where people were given cords that were people my level and moved up pass me, I realized, I was no different and my level that I am at was not any different and I was way ahead, and I have been progressing. But he ignores what I learned, he ignores what I do. He only focuses very strongly on what I can't do, and everything outside of capoeira that he thinks is more important. ANd all my lack of social qualities that seem to be the wrong way to him that he wants to see Neurodivergent things not be involved. And he ignores all my different strengths that I found a way around and had to to use and make even stronger. And become so good at. But he found useless and is very against. Instead he judges me and hates me for it. I now learned to hate because of him. For that. I have promises as I am the one that made him quit Capoeira. I will not ever join a group. I will not gain a cord or wear a cord, or wear their merch. I do not want any capoeira name. As much as I will learn and grow and improve my game as best as I can. I will not be allowed to advance in Workshops as that is the groups wish. That I am to stay down in the line on the low end. They are wishing the worst for me. And everyone just like me. That Neurodivergents way of thinking is completely wrong way of doing things, and there is only one way of communicating and doing things. According to them assholes. 

Please all capoeira community of the world. Do not give me a name. Do not ever give me a cord.